Finding Nemo!

This is something that happened to me a while back. An amusing story with a happy ending.

I was in a relationship dry spot for a period of a few months when I met him. I was passing by a sex store when I glanced in the window and saw him inside. Something compelled me to go in, and find out more about him. I quickly bonded with him at a deep level. He was exactly what I needed in life just then.No complications, no entanglements and always immediately satisfying. I named him “Nemo” after that cute little fish in the movie.  He was not a swimmer, but he was best when wet!

Nemo was just about the longest lasting pleasure giver that I was ever entertained by. I always was the first of us to tucker out. He was insatiable. Oh God, how I treasured Nemo! He always felt good to me. Smaller than most, but very high energy and wiry. For a little guy, I was always amazed at how satisfying he always was. He only gave trouble once, but it was almost a deal breaker. Although it took some outside help, I am glad we worked our way through it.

Nemo, the joy of my life when I needed it the most, was a mini-vibrator!

I was attracted to his high quality look right off the bat.  I had not had sex in so long I had almost forgotten what it felt like. Almost like sexual amnesia or something. So of course when I caught a glimpse of him in the window display, bells just started to ring as my mind latched onto the possibility of having some sexual relief. He had a small little carrying case that slipped in my purse. It looked for all the world like an ultra compact umbrella or something of that nature. Nobody who saw him ever recognized him for the deliverer of delights that he was.

I have an unusual job for a woman. I am a traveling salesman selling replacement car parts to automotive parts wholesalers throughout the region that I live in. I travel a lot, frequently out of town for three weeks of every month. At one time I loved my job and the freedom that it gave me. I was always meeting new people. But after doing it for years, my enthusiasm paled, and it became just a job. You see, by then I was pushing my mid-forties pretty hard, and I just did not think I could handle a new career. When I was younger, I had a sailor in every port. Most people would have judged me as promiscuous. I personally prefer calling it free spirited. And besides, it was not like I was doing it with anybody wearing pants I just did the hot ones! Come on, I am kidding. I often had several guys on the go at the same time. I never promised them anything exclusive, and they were okay with that. I avoided one night stands. In fact, I never had one. I hope that all of my past companions still think of me with the same warmth of feelings that I still feel for them. I was religious about protection, so I never had any issues. But I found that as I got older,  I was looking for more than the friends with benefits relationships that I had. So as the each of them got permanently involved with someone who wanted to build a family, I found I just did not have the urge to replace them. My life became quite lonely. I guess my subconscious was trying to change my life into something better, but my conscious mind could not come to grips with the conflict between my job and any sort of stable, monogamous relationship. Ergo, Nemo.

I was coming home from a longer than normal and rather arduous sales tour when I frightened myself. I dozed off for a second behind the wheel and just caught myself before I left the road. Rather than chance it, I decided to stay at a motel that was just about 20 miles from home. So I had a quick supper, and turned in. As always, when you are the tiredest, that is when you are most likely to have trouble falling asleep. So after about a half hour of trying, I pulled Nemo out of my purse to take me on a pleasure trip. When I turned him on, he did not sound quite right. I remembered that I had been meaning to replace his batteries but had not gotten around to it. I opened my purse and pulled out the ones that I had already picked up. With the replacements in place, trusty Nemo was soon firing on all cylinders.

For some reason, Nemo was more adept than usual, and I found myself more stimulated than my norm. I still remember it years later. Must have been those fresh batteries. Either that or else my tense, tired body really, really needed this. As a result, I found that I was penetrating myself much more than usual with him. The sensations I was feeling as I slipped him in and out and in and out and in and out was just amazing. My climax was huge, but when I came, I lost my grip on Nemo and he slipped way up inside of me. I could not reach him, and he was still going. I started to panic, but he kept right on humming along. I started to wish I had bought cheaper batteries. As I came the third time in five minutes, I was starting to flag. I was already tired to start, and I was not sure how much of this I could tolerate. Well, tolerate is a bad word, because my body seemed to be one with Nemo, even though my head was getting worried. I started to think of ways to get him out, but motel rooms are not known for handy things to push up your vagina that could snag a wayward vibrator. I even tried standing up with my legs spread and bouncing up and down on my heels. That was the closest I got to success. He started to slip down, but just as reached the point where I could grab him, I had another shuddering spasm. Up he zipped, fast as lightning!

I was almost dead by then, but that smug little self centered buzz bomb just kept humming along. I was interchanging praying to God with cursing EverReady at this point. I finally decided that I needed someone to help. Asking the hotel night clerk might have made his day, but I was not about to do that. Instead, I looked up the address of the nearest hospital and payed a visit to their emergency ward. I was hoping to get a sympathetic nurse rather than some uptight doctor. I was fortunate in my timing because the ward was not overly busy. I only had to wait a half hour or so, even though it seemed like centuries. As I waited, I had several more orgasms. I was actually starting to hurt each time it happened. This was not even remotely funny anymore.

Again, I lucked out. I was barely in the room when the doctor came in. He had Nemo out in less than a minute. I gave a big sigh of relief! Once the cause of my concern had been dealt with, I started to get red in the face. How embarrassing! He was nice about it though, and said that it was not the first time that had happened. He left then, but as he walked away, my eyes were immediately attracted to his really cute butt. It went well with his face, and he had a good one. He was even my age.  But with all those eye candy features, someone else must have him totally wrapped up already.

The fatigue really hit me then. I was having trouble even bending over to put on my slacks. When I stood up I felt dizzy. I looked for signs pointing the way to the cafeteria and followed them slowly.  I had just started to work on my croissant and sip a herbal tea when Dr. Stud Muffin walks in and orders a coffee and toasted bagel. I was sort of admiring the view out of the corner of my eye when he walks right up to my table and asks if he could sit down.

As a salesman, you know that I must have a gift for gab. When it came to the personal stuff though, I have always had trouble opening up to anyone. Even my past lovers knew little about what really drove me. Maybe it was his bedside manner, but with this guy I found that I was pouring my heart out to him within five minutes. He was amazingly easy to talk to. I just implicitly trusted him.  He said that he understood what a toll a demanding job could take on a relationship. His wife had left him a couple of years before because she could not stand it any more. He had just signed the final papers a couple of months before. In any event, he suddenly became even more interesting to me, and I shifted the conversation slightly.

I had a lightness in my step as I walked out of the hospital. It seemed like all that fatigue was gone. I had managed to get him interested enough in me that he asked me out on a date that weekend. Our first date went well, and we started to go out more often as our schedules allowed. Since we both had demanding jobs, we fully understood the constraints that could put on each of us. Unexpected blips sometimes forced us to reschedule a date, but we never, ever held that against each other. If anything, it just made our next date that much more special. One thing led to another, and after a year we moved in together. His cooler house of course. Two years later, I walked down the aisle with him, happy as a lark.

Nemo was the only one who suffered in all of this. His life became quite lonely without me. I seldom needed him anymore, and after 4 months I put him away for good. Knowing him for the great guy he was, I am sure he was okay with it because I was so happy. Sometimes I think that he planned it. The way things just worked out that is. Maybe he was my little messenger from God.  In any event, Nemo still has a special place in my heart, and sits in an honored place on a shelf in my bedroom. He changed my life, and every once in a while, I take him down and reflect on all of that.


More fun advice stories can be found at the link below:

Relationship Tips for Women

What A Creep!

This is a tale of woe that for lack of a better name I will call Cindy's Bogus Dating Adventure. As you may have guessed already, I am Cindy.
When this story unfolded, I was working as a clerk in a 7-11 store just outside of Boston. Not to sound conceited, but men have always hit on me a lot, so I am sort of used to it in a way. This particular guy seemed really nice, and had been working on me for months before I finally relented. We had actually met online just before I started working at the variety store. I was always cautious so I decided to meet him in a very public place instead of riding alone with him anywhere. We met at a restaurant, and since it was a nice night, we opted to eat outside. Here is where he got a little odd…. first he gives me a a little box of chocolates the brand name was Cindy (my name is Cindy so I thought at first that it was a cute gesture) then he asks me to eat one or two in a strange creepy way. When we finished the hors d'oeuvres he started to ply me with chocolates. Making a game of it by getting me to eat it looking as sexy as I could. I was feeling a bit light headed, and put that down to the wine we were drinking, but was confused because I had only had a sip or two. At the point that we started to eat our entrees, he started to stare at me really closely. It was almost creepy, but for some reason, I was not overly alarmed.
The wine he chose was very tasty and smooth. I am not a huge wine drinker, but I thought that I could get to love that particular label. I did notice though, that as we kept dining, that the wine seemed to be not tasting as good. I figured that was because I had eaten so many sweet chocolates.
I was part way through the main course when the entire situation started to weird me out. I made my excuses and went to the washroom to call a good friend of mine to explain the situation. I was worried that maybe I was blowing this all out of proportion. My friend thought it was hilarious and told me just to be careful and not go anywhere alone with him, but to get a free meal out of the deal. So assured, I went back to my seat, at which point he resumes the chocolate game again. I was young and naive so I just went with it, at this point it was kind of funny. Since I had never been in a similar situation before, I just wrote it all off to 'gaining experiences for the next time' and keep being nice.
Feeling a bit uncomfortable, I sort of gulped my wine. As soon as the wine entered my mouth I could tell something was wrong. It was awful! I casually put it down as if I had noticed nothing. It was obvious to me that he had put something in my wine. Suddenly I was scared! I needed to figure out what to do, but I needed time to put a plan together. So I sat there as if nothing was wrong, and even pretended that I was sipping my wine. After about a half hour of stalling and making small talk, I laughingly told him that the wine must be getting to me because I had to go to the washroom again.
I needed to get out of there pronto! So I had a busboy locate our waiter and bring him over. I told him what was up and asked him to help. He had a busboy take me out the back way to my car. At the same time, my waiter went back to talk to my date about ordering desert and coffee. I quickly hauled my butt to my friends house. Luckily she only lived a few blocks away because by the time I got there I was ready to pass out. I managed to convince my friend that I did not need to go to the hospital. So we spent some time listening to music and I fell asleep. I woke up a little hung over, and it was not from the small amounts of wine I had consumed the night before. With a clearer head, it became apparent to me that the scumbag had likely laced my wine and likely the chocolates with some sort of drug. I realized that I had had a close call and was lucky to get out of it unscathed.
Looking back on it, I regretted not calling the police from the restaurant to keep this freak from doing the same thing to another innocent girl, but I was young and  foolish and didn’t think about that. In the state of mind I was in, it was all I could do to focus on getting out with my skin intact.  I explained my problem to the mall security guards, and they were really good about it. For a few months, they kept a lookout for him and escorted me out to my vehicle when I worked late. To my intense relief, I never saw hide nor hair of him again.
It dawned on me a while later how it was that he found me. I had put my work address on my dating site profile. What an idiot I was! I deleted my profile for a couple of months and then signed up with a new handle. That night could have been so much more nasty than it was. I thank my lucky stars that I had a mother who loved me. One who nagged me stupid about the perverts out there and what sorts of care I should take when going on dates.

For more advice with online dating, see the link below:
Online Dating Advice

I'm Not On The Menu

Several years ago I found my self alone, when my husband, and father of my 2 children, left us. I entered a period where I worked hard, looked after my kids as best I could, and had virtually no social life to speak of. My two best friends, also single mothers, helped get me through this period. What social life we had was usually at one of our homes together, snacking, watching TV, or just talking. Often our conversations wandered into what type of man we would like to have in our lives the next time love came calling. Of course we didn't really expect to meet our “Mr Perfect” anytime soon.

A friend of mine suggested that maybe I try out this brand new dating site that had just started up. I'll call it, “MEN-R-US” to avoid any liability issues so I went online to give it a go. I met this dork, I mean male shortly after joining, he seemed smart, seemed articulate and humorous. We chatted back and forth for a few weeks, as I informed him that I wanted to take things slow and that it had been a long time since I had been with a man in any kind of a relationship. I brought up the subject of my children early on, and he was fine with that because he said he had a son as well. He said that he loved kids and that being with his son was the biggest joy in his life. Everything seemed good to me, so I agreed to go out for dinner and dancing with him.

I went all out for that date! Hair, manicure, new dress, everything! I had arranged for a good friend to babysit and had picked her up earlier. As I sat there putting on my makeup, I was totally stressed out that he would not find me acceptable. I have to admit that I was halfway in love with the guy and I had not even met him. I really wanted this to work out. My friend told me to calm down before I hyperventilated, she told me to try not to look too needy or I would scare him off.  If only I had, this story would have had a different ending! So after collecting my self I went outside to wait for him as he was going to swing by and pick me up. Suddenly, there he was! I was so impatient to set my eyes on his gorgeous body, dreamy green eyes and wavy blond hair that I literally rushed up to his car as it pulled into the driveway. I bent over to say hi and was shocked senseless! I hoped that it was not him and that he had sent a friend over to tell me that he could not make it. I actually pinched myself to wake up from this horrible dream, but to no avail. There he sat, and he sure was not what I was expecting! I was so stunned that I just stood there like a dumb mute. Not knowing what else to do, I silently got into the car.

All the way to the restaurant I keep asking my self why are you in a car with a guy who looks like hes wearing a squirrel on his head. I guess I fell for the oldest online dating trick in the book. The fake profile picture..  He looked to be bald under that cheap rug. But the more I looked at it, the more it seemed that he just had it on wrong. Backwards or something stupid like that. His eyes were not the amazing green of the online profile either. He had dark eyes that were all bloodshot. He looked like he had a serious drug addiction. The well toned muscles in the picture were nowhere in evidence on this sorry excuse for a man. On top of everything, his idea of a top ranked restaurant was slightly better than a MacDonald's, only not as clean.  I prayed that no one I knew would see me with this dork, not just for my own sake but because I did not think my children could ever live it down.

We walked in and sat down at a corner table with a white table cloth and a candle in a little glass. It was actually not that bad looking from the inside. The decor was nice, and the waiters were all dressed in suits and ties. Maybe his idea of classy was not that bad after all. I had a chicken caesar and he had pork chops. He had a bad case of roman hands and russian fingers if you get my drift. My hand was sore from slapping at him before the entree was served. He made a remark about me being hot to trot since I had not had sex in years, and how I must be raring to have at it with a real man. I politely told him if I wanted to be with a real man I would not be here with him. After eating, he asked me to dance. Once again, I had to keep removing his hands from various parts of my anatomy. I guess to show me what a great catch he was he decided to show off his dancing prowess. He tried to jive with me. At one point his hand slipped out of mine and I stumbled into the bar. Well that was about all I could take. I stormed out of the restaurant and caught a cab outside to the hospital. I was lucky that my broken nose set almost straight. In any event it is a constant reminder that I need to be more careful.

No more dating advice for me! From that point on I did my own site sleuthing. I worked long and hard and found several decent sites.


During my site research, I found the following link, and it made it easy for me to select sites that were the best for me.:

Online Personals

Helping Your Female Partner Have Orgasms

A few generations ago, most adult females never experienced and orgasm. In fact, a lot of them had no idea what an orgasm was.  Many women were brought up with no sexual instruction, and often made to believe that sex was a painful wifely duty. A twin study done in 2005 reported that one woman in three had never or seldom had an orgasm, and just one tenth always achieved an orgasm. As you can see, orgasms are rare or non-existent for many women. A woman who cannot have an orgasm has as frustrating a life as a man with an erectile disfunction.

So how can we change this, especially since almost all modern women desire orgasms. Well let's begin by exploring what a female orgasm really is.  An orgasm in women is not overly different from that in men-there is a peak of sexual excitement, in a moment of incredible enjoyment, and a pulsing, electric sensation that extends throughout the body.  The rhythmic contractions take place within the pelvic area as well as the walls of the vagina. Another difference here is that women don't experience a refractory period, and will usually be able to have many more orgasms with continued stimulation, often within a minute or two. In most women, there is no fluid ejaculated during orgasm.  This is important for men to understand so that they understand that a woman can have a completely satisfying orgasm without ejaculating.

With the right stimulation, most women can have multiple orgasms if they so desire.

Women all their sensual ducks in a row before they can achieve an orgasm. For instance:

1) Women  must feel appreciated, and wanted A situation charged with romance
3) A partner whom they really like
4) Tranquil surroundings
5) A partner that knows how to stimulate the clitoris

You will not have great success in giving your partner orgasms if you fail to provide most of the above.

Men need to know that women will have different varieties of orgasms---the most common is the clitoral orgasm.  The clitoris can be stimulated by fingers or through oral sex. The clitoral orgasm can have fluid expelled or be dry, and results in contractions within the uterus . Another type of orgasm is cntered on the G-spot. The G spot is a little harder to find: it is located on the upper side of the vagina – about one half way in. In most women the G-spot is about 3 inches into the vagina, and on the top side.  Gentle but firm pressure is required to find the G spot if the woman is not stimulated yet.  It is a slightly more pliable area about 1/3 of an inch in size. The location and size varies somewhat from woman to woman.  When properly manipulated, the G spot will result in a vaginal orgasm.

Figure 1, Internal Female Anatomy:




In summation, sex is something amazing that can provide both partners with intense pleasure. The following can help both of you have orgasms regularly:

1) Women like affection---use your hands, and or mouth to caress her body Be gentle, especially when touching her genitals, or rubbing her clitoris
3) Orally stimulate her breasts with kissing and gentle sucking
4) Be slow – unlike most sports, this is one situation where fast is definitely a bad thing
5) Ask her if she likes what you are doing and ask her to tell you what she wants
6) Be a tease- touching her pleasurable spots then withdrawing over, and over again. This will build arousal, and heighten orgasm.
7) Use your own natural lubrication to moisten her clitoris – however she may need additional lubrication, you can buy lubricants at any drugstore.
8) Learn her body- does her nipples get hard only during arousal or are they like that at other times
9) Try new things as variety can add to the pleasure
10) Do not push to try new things – experimentation must be mutual or else it will cause you to lose the moment

All men, can use this as a guide to helping your women have a more pleasurable experience, and helping her achieve many orgasms.

If you are an unsatisfied woman – convince your partner to read this article, after all, your entire future is at stake!

Good Luck!

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